


Irish Drinking Song

by kittenmittens



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Brunnhilde | Valkyrie (Marvel), GM wanted to make a new baby champion, Gen, Mentions of Breeding, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Thor and Val are drinking buddies, but i swear there is no actual mpreg in this for once, the grand master doesn't understand biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-19 17:56:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13709640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittenmittens/pseuds/kittenmittens
Summary: One night at the bar, Valkyrie happily explains to Thor and Bruce that Grand Master's innocuous decision to dump Thor in the Hulk's room post-battle was anything but.





	Irish Drinking Song

They’ve dragged Banner to a bar when Valkyrie starts her story, reaching over and tugging Thor’s ear playfully to get his attention. “Did I ever tell you why the Grand Master stuck you in _his_ room after your little tousle?” Banner seems a bit offended when Valkyrie jerks her thumb towards him, as though he isn’t part of the conversation, but doesn’t object out loud.

 

“I don’t really… _remember_ … that?” Banner rubs at his temple, like he’s trying to recall the situation, but it’s just giving him a headache. “That seems like a horrible idea. Did he want us to fight again, but… hit each other with furniture? I mean, even if he didn’t, _I_ wouldn’t trust Hulk not to beat the crap out of Thor.”

 

“Don’t be ridiculous, Banner!” Letting out a loud chuckle, Thor raises his glass to show that he caught Banner’s hilarious quip. “I wouldn’t be in any danger. Remember? I won our last battle.”

 

“Yeah, you keep saying that,” grumbles Banner. God, he can be such a poor sport sometimes. “I mean, either way, whether or not we were friends, the big guy probably wasn’t feeling too fond of you after the fight. If he wanted to keep you alive for another round, well… Even somebody as out of it as the Grand Master must’ve known it was risky. Oh, shit!” Banner’s eyes grow huge. “Was he—was he gonna _feed_ Thor to me— _him—_ I mean, the big guy?”

 

“Close!” Clapping Banner on the back, Valkyrie smirks. “But not quite. The Grand Master wouldn’t have bothered healing Goldilocks if he was only meant to be a midnight snack. No, no—” Thor wrinkles his nose as she reaches out to pat his cheek condescendingly. “See, whether or not you beat the big fella, you were the only one who ever to come close. You were almost an even match. Hell, you might’ve been the only one he didn’t flat out _slaughter_.” Banner looks rather sick after that, but Valkyrie ignores him, belching under her breath before muttering quickly, “Not certain about that, though. Some of those fights are a bit of a blur. Anyway, anyway—Grand Master knew enough not to waste that kind of talent. But I’m sure you’re wondering—” Adopting a pitchy tone, she gestures dramatically, “’Ahhh, Valkyrie! If I was meant to be the next champion, why didn’t I get my own fancy suite, or my taser disk taken out? I’m a prince after all.’”

 

Pausing, she holds up her finger, lifting a glass in her other hand and chugging down its entire contents of… _something_ in no more than a second. When she’s finished, she drops the empty glass on the table and exhales contentedly. “Well, first of all, you were being a little shit, trying to escape all the time. You’d lost your not-getting-electrocuted privileges. Second, uh—you recall when I brought you to Sakaar? The first time, when you were strapped to that demented-chair-ride?”

 

Rolling his eyes, Thor nods. “Not… _fondly_ , but yes. I remember.”

 

“And Grand Master asked me if you were male.” Grinning, Valkyrie grabs his cheeks and gives them a squeeze. “Ahah! _Yes_. You looked just as offended then, too.” Slouching against the counter, one hand still against Thor’s cheek, she goes on to explain casually, “But, er, there are many races on Sakaar, you know. Sometimes the males look like most of our females, and vice versa. Sometimes the males carry the children, or lay eggs. Our friend Miek, for example. Or, like, some of the women spew acid from their breasts, _real crazy shit_.” Letting go of Thor’s face, Valkyrie stops again. Thor isn’t going to assume anything, but something tells him that last sentence might have triggered an unpleasant memory.

 

“Uh, that’s… fascinating, and all. Totally,” Banner interjects. “But what does that have to do with us being locked in a room together?”

 

“He wanted to breed the two of you,” says Valkyrie, not even missing a beat.

 

Thor inhales a bit of beer, sputtering and hacking violently. Valkyrie pounds on his back a few times, like she’s trying to help him clear his airway, and he shoves her away in disgust. “Wh… _What?!”_

 

“You heard me!” she insists. “He thought that you—two of the most powerful fighters he’d ever had—would produce incredibly powerful offspring. He aimed to breed you like a pair of prize warhorses.”

 

“That’s,” states Banner slowly, “the worst thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

 

“He wanted to make a widdle baby champion!” Valkyrie sing-songs. “Grand Master’s understanding of Asgardian and… _Hulk_ anatomy was lacking. I never bothered to correct him. Thought it’d be funny.” She winks at Thor cheekily. “I knew the big, green fellow would never hurt you. Well, not in the bedroom.”

 

“Let’s hope,” Thor wheezes, glowering almost suspiciously at Banner.

 

“Hey! I would never—I mean, the _big guy_ would never… d-do that.” Shrinking into himself, Banner timidly adds, “I think.”

 

“Really, though.” Thor shakes his head. “That’s a…” Well. Not a good joke, or a nice joke, but definitely… “That was a joke. Well done.”

 

“Oh, it was no joke.” Tapping one finger thoughtfully against her chin, Valkyrie reaches out her other hand and slowly drags Thor’s beer towards herself. Thor’s a bit too shell-shocked to do anything but let her. “Let’s tally up the evidence again, shall we? First, Hulk was Grand Master’s most beloved champion. If he thought the two of you were friends, why would he want you to fraternize? You could potentially steal his champion away—which, by the way, was exactly what happened. Second, if the two of you were enemies, but he wanted you to fight again, why wouldn’t he stick his highness back with Korg and the others? Y’know, to avoid letting the two of you get chummy. Make sure your next fight would be even _more_ bloodthirsty and vicious.” Swallowing loudly, she downs Thor’s entire mug of beer, then slides it back over to him.

 

“You were cleaned and healed, then locked, unattended, in Hulk’s room—the room with an expansive, single  _bed_ and many alcoholic beverages in it—by a man who called you ‘seductive’ when you whisked away his most treasured gladiator.” Raising her eyebrows, she looks at Thor pointedly. “You do the math.”

 

Both Thor and Banner are silent for a while before Banner finally mumbles, “I don’t think she’s kidding.”

 

“Well,” Thor starts, and he grabs his mug again, lifting it over Valkyrie’s head as he gestures for Banner to do the same. “I could have gone the rest of my life without knowing that. Cheers!”

 

“Same.” Banner smiles weakly and clinks his glass against Thor’s, all while Valkyrie laughs.

**Author's Note:**

> At some point, I would very much like to write fic based off this idea, with events actually following the Grand Master's plan. Someday, haha. (Also, if Korg can know what a vampire is, I see no reason to believe Valkyrie couldn't know who Goldilocks is.)


End file.
